#cant exist without thinking about what it was like ehen they were here
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Anyway the world has like a month to fix all my problems before my brain decides to off itself
#i don't know if this is funny#but having to leave them hurts so bad and uts not even getting better#cant exist without thinking about what it was like ehen they were here#and now im alone and it was such an insane shock to go from feeling so happy and safe to remembering that one mistake fucks me up here#and my future is the opposite of safe here#and all i want to do is just say fuck it and move to be with them but i cant and its just killing me#because i should its the only way ill ever get to be with them but im too selfish to do that and i don't think ive hated myself more#but i have all my animals that i cant legally bring over because some arent really mine and others arent traditional pets and it would#make them so so stressed with the trip and all my plants cant come and ive had some for over a decade now and i cant replace them#not to mention all my clothes and sentimental things that i wouldn't be able to bring over#my meds would cost so much over there and i absolutely hate the actual lifestyle in America and all the people#all the laws are fucked and getting worse so its likely id get fucked over one way or another and id probably#lose my citizenship to obe of my countries if i tried to move there#the food sucks and so much of my favourite stuff isnt sold there abd i cant import ut in#and noje of my plants or animals can survive in the climate anyway#so id have to give up absolutely everything#and i cant do it but i hate myself for not being able to#and i miss everything here when im with them and i miss them when im here#and ill resent whatever i side i don't pick and resent myself more#because both options suck and i don't know if i can do this#even going away now means i miss out on the last bits of my animals lives but i cant even cherish it#all i want is them but i cant have it#i don't know how to fix it#i don't think i can#even just the time difference kills me now#cant see them when they wake up cant see them when they get back from work#can't enjoy it when im always leaving something behind#make a shitty choice either way and hope i don't hate myself enough to kill me for it
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